Shadows and Regrets
by WolfGirlx3
Summary: A series of songfics mostly BxJ but some BxE. Read and Review please!


**Shadows and Regrets by Yellowcard. My first songfic. Please read and review. **

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The bloodlust was dulled by the pounding of my non-existent heart. The familiar rainclouds hung over my head again. I used to hate them. I couldn't get enough of them now. Alaska was full of blue skies and endless snowy mountains. I was aching to see the gloomy skies again. They couldn't quite fill the empty space in my heart.

_I'm back, back in town  
And everything has changed_

The movie theater was turned into an office building. The Newton's sports shop was closed down and turned into a pizza parlor. Unfamiliar teenagers were laughing in the windows. A new generation was started here and it was only five years that went by. I could see the park that used to be outside the elementary park was gone. Houses were taken town and put back up and I could smell the fresh paint on some of them, even though it was long past dry. A whole new world.

_I feel, feel let down  
The faces stay the same_

My heart nearly stopped when I saw Mike Newton, Jessica Stanley, and Angela and Ben and Lauren and Tyler and several other kids who I used to go to school. Lauren had an arm around Tyler's waist and Angela held hands with Mike and Jessica and Ben were talking and obviously flirting.

But they all looked the same. They looked so grown up and so different but the faces were the same as they used to. Jess straightened her hair. Lauren's hair grew out. Mike, Ben and Tyler looked so tall. Angela didn't even look tall anymore. She was short compared to the rest of them.

What had I missed?

I drove down toward Charlie's old house. It killed me to go there. I knew seeing Charlie lonely and eating frozen dinners in front of the TV would make me want to run in and tell him how much I love him. But as I got there, the house was no longer white. Somebody painted the house light blue and lights were coming from the kitchen.

I got out of the car and ran over to the window on the porch so fast the human eye wouldn't see me. I looked in the window and to my surprise, Renee was in there. Renee was sitting down at the table next to Charlie, eating spaghetti and talking to a little girl. In my chair, was a little four year old girl with sparkling blue eyes and light brown hair tied into pigtails. She was giggling and playing with her food.

"Anna, honey, after you eat go upstairs to your room and wash up and me and daddy will come up and read you a story." Renee said to the little girl.

I gasped in shock again. I was stunned. Renee and Charlie were back together. Mom and dad, divorced when I was two, were reunited. And they had a little four year old daughter sitting in my chair and living in my room. I didn't know her. My little sister. I didn't know her. She was my replacement.

I turned around and ran straight back to the car. They didn't even hear a car pull up in the driveway. I got in the Volvo and peeled out of the driveway and sped down the street, heading in any direction.

_ I see, see shadows  
Of who we used to be  
When I drive, drive so slow  
Through this memory_

I realized I was driving down the road of La Push where Jake and I road motorcycles for the long winter when Edward left me. My heart ached, but not at the memory of Edward leaving. I crashed right up there...and Jake ran over to see if I was okay.

I got out of Edward's volvo slowly. I told him I was going for a drive around Denali out of boredom. That was eleven hours ago.

That was where Jake squeezed his soda out of anger when I told him I was changing into what I am now. And right down the road would be the cliffs. I could see them from where I stood. I couldn't see anyone jumping off of them or hear any screams. It wasn't even raining.

I started gasping for air and if I was human I'd be dead already for how long I had been holding my breath. It's funny how good memories can make you cry, right? It's even funnier how vampires can't even cry. And what's funniest of all is that none of those things are funny.

_When we were only kids  
And we were best of friends  
And we hoped for the best  
And let go of the rest_

Jake and I were in love without even realizing it. Best friends and in love. We were so young. Jake was so young. He wasn't even a werewolf yet and he was carefree and hoped for the best of the future and so did I, as hopeless as I was, I hoped Edward came back. And he did. And I got what I always wanted and this is what I do. I come back to Forks, the place I was literally _dying_ to get out of, and wonder what the hell is wrong with me.

_I heard, heard myself  
Say things I take back_

I stood in the spot where I told Jake we couldn't be more than friends. I stood where Jake got so pissed at finding out the news of me changing. I remember it. "I hate you Jacob Black." I said after he kissed me. I remember telling him that I loved him but not enough. I wished I could take it back. I remember telling Jake that Sam Uley was changing him and Sam was bad news. Damn, what I would do to take all those things back.

I got back in the car and drove down the road to the beach. The road brought back to many painful memories that weren't supposed to be painful. I got to the beach and got out. It didn't do any good.

_If I could, could retell  
And make these stories last_

The beach held so many memories. Even more than the road did. I remember the bonfire where Billy and Old Quil were telling the stories about the Cold Ones. I wanted to hear the stories again, even though I was their enemy now. I was a Cold One. I remember jumping off of the cliff and Jake towing me out of the water and onto this beach. I grimaced.

_I see, see shadows  
Of who you'll always be_

I remember Jake telling me on this beach that he'll never change. He was stuck as a werewolf for life. But still sometimes he smiled. He got used to it. He smiled _my_ Jacob's smile and he laughed _my_ Jacob's laugh and still had his "Sure, sure" attitude. He'll always be _my _Jacob. I'll never be _his _Bella again.

_I drive, drive these roads  
Made of memories_

This town held too many memories. Wherever I turned there was another reminder. I used Jake like a tissue. I used him then threw him away. I used him as a crutch when Edward was gone and unknowingly fell in love. The roads were laced with memories that will never fade. The ghost of memories were everywhere. I could see the things as they happened, I could see us riding our motorcycles down the roads and I could hear his words in my head still.

_When we were only kids  
And we were best of friends  
And we hoped for the best  
And let go from the rest  
Shadows and regrets  
We let go from the rest_

I needed to see Jacob. I needed to. It would kill me and probably wreck everything but I needed to see him. I could still smell the scent of him - more bitter now that I was a vampire - on the roads, from when we road our bikes. I got in the car and following his scent, I tracked him down. Emmett always called me the new "James" because of my tracking abilities. It pissed Edward off when he called me that, but I didn't mind. It was all over now, that Victoria and James mess. It was okay to laugh about it, I guess.

I ended up at the end of First Beach. There was a bonfire going on. They changed their usual bonfire spot. I got out of the car and ran to the edge of the woods and watched their tanned bodies walk around. I couldn't see much but the silhouettes and the hum of voices and the snapping of the fire and the crashing of the waves. I wasn't close enough.

I inched closer and focused. I saw Quil and Embry sitting on a rock. Embry was stuffing his face and Quil held a little seven year old girl on his lap. I lost my breath when I realized that it was little Claire, the girl he imprinted on. Quil asked her something and she nodded a yes, laughing and her curly black hair bounced as her head bobbed up and down. I imagined him asking her to marry him twenty years from now, and her giving the same reply.

Quil and Embry didn't look so different. And then I saw Emily and Sam, holding hands and talking to Billy Black. Emily's left side was still beautiful and the right side of her face was still a horrible, twisted grimace due to her scars. I wanted to smile and run over to them.

_Everything has changed  
Faces stay the same  
Everything has changed  
Faces stay the same_

As I was about to run onto the sand and run toward them, I noticed a girl sitting on a rock next to Quil. She was tan and blonde and pretty with high cheekbones and sweet-smelling blood, not that I would want to drink her. She was wearing a blue sweater and jean shorts with flip-flops. She was new to town. I could tell. I haven't seen her before. Then I saw Jake.

Jake sat down next to her. He didn't look different. He was still a werewolf, apparently, meaning he hasn't aged. He turned to her and wrapped his strong arms around her waist and held her protectively, shielding her from harm. He smiled at her. He smiled _my_ smile. _My_ Jacob smiling _my_ Jacob's smile.

And then it hit me: Jake imprinted.

I felt a stab of jealousy, anger, and other emotions I couldn't understand. Emotions come a lot stronger when you aren't human. The thought hit me like a punch to the gut and my knee-jerk reaction was to run over and rip her throat out. The angry thoughts surprised and scared me at first. But then I realized that I wished it was me over there instead of hiding in the trees.

But I couldn't now, I suddenly realized. I was the enemy. A Cold One. A leech. A bloodsucker. A vampire. A traitor.

These weren't the loving friends I once knew. I was no longer a part of their family. I couldn't laugh by the fire with them and eat burgers and joke with Embry and talk to Paul and comment on the boy's silly behavior with Emily. I couldn't listen to Billy's stories. And now, after all those years, I wished I wasn't such a stubborn idiot.

I couldn't step in and wreck their happy bonfire. They would smell my horrible scent -horrible to them, atleast- and get ready to attack. They wouldn't even know it was me and even if they did recognize me they wouldn't care. I was an enemy. A threat to the people of La Push and a danger to the blonde human girl that Jake imprinted on.

_Everything has changed  
Faces stay the same  
Everything has changed  
Faces stay the same_

I wasn't Bells anymore.

_And we were only kids  
And we were best of friends  
And we hoped for the best  
And let go of the rest  
And shadows and regrets  
We let go of the rest  
Shadows and Regrets  
We let go of the rest_

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End file.
